Dear Political Wannabes! DO. NOT. EVER.

First of all Sassy,

I grew up and have an apartment in Paris FRANCE. How do you get the
idea that I am more intelligent than other people or that I express that
fact. And again what is your name ? 🙂 you intrigued me with your
witty bantor. Call me 826 6364 Roland

——-Original Message——-
May I be so bold as to provide a little guidance that may help you (an aspiring politician) reach the goals you have set for yourself?

Consider this constructive criticism to be friendly observations. They are simply a reflection of our recent communication. They reflect solely the opinions of the author and creator of this document. This should not be confused with a “real document” since it was created for my own use in the spirit of sarcasm and entertainment at your expense.

Clearly they do not reflect the opinion(s) of my employer since I can’t find anyone to hire me. However, should any of your political aspirations be realized at some point in the future, could you PLEASE offer me a job (with benefits if possible!)

People hate the fact that politicians are wealthier than the Districts they represent. We are a government “for and by the people” but we all know that politicians are not really “one of us”

“Paris” I assume you meant Paris, Tennessee. Always know your audience. Never underestimate the sweet or dumb-sounding a-holes we meet ‘round here: treat them as if they are smarter, better informed, and better bred than you—they probably are.

Never tell anyone just how smart you actually are! Even if you are 2 solid Standard Deviations away from the mean in terms of general intelligence testing, people see right through that shit!

And last but not least— if you want to be a politician, ALWAYS remember the name of the person you are speaking with and when you saw them last.

Did you ever wonder why Professors and other academic “brainiacs” never get far in politics??? Because we like to tell people how smart we are. Our large egos and “superior/Divine” authority makes us a bore to talk to. Most of the time, you can probably hold on both ends of the conversation—so who needs them there in the first place??? Answer is: YOU DO! You need their votes! You work for THEM! You have an obligation to listen to their demands and voice their opinions and represent them regardless of how you feel. Aside from getting you re-elected, allowing people to formulate policy objectives and goals will make your job easier when you need to rally support.

Furthermore, allowing people to discuss public policy issues will build a solid constituent base for future endeavors and increase buy-in from your target audience (voters!)

By recognizing their agenda, you are reinforcing the process of a representative government that is (and should be) accessible to all members of the community. Such buy—in is key to incumbency since they will feel a personal attachment to the laws and policies enacted during your reign. They feel important and valued in the community and it keeps them involved in the policy process. If your constituents believe that they have a direct line to you or similarly the public agenda, the feel like they are part of a your “team.”

Always presume that the person standing before you is smarter and wiser than you are. Everyone has their own story, and it helps if you listen to what they are saying and then clarify how they expect you to do resolve the dilemma.

This is mine. Granted, most people we encounter have no appreciation for the finer (and quirkier) parts of our complicated thought processes, but sometimes a simple response people can understand is best; even if it is not necessarily correct. We all chase our own demons and hope that we make good decisions and navigate the course. We hope, some pray, that in the end our struggles will have been worth it. Blindly hoping. Blind Faith—because can any one of you tolerate the worse evil—that it would have been a great big hoax.

Don’t think being educated at Harvard is any better than growing up on a farm on a street corner. The “Hood” (previously referred to as the school of hard knocks) teaches lessons you cannot get anywhere else. I can tell you first hand that lessons I learned in New York City were much more valuable than learning the names of all the best Fraternities on Greek Row.

Young adults who were indoctrinated with the notion of equal opportunity and the “American Dream.” Without a standard of what is considered equitable in terms of educational attainment and achievement, they are duped into spending every last cent on books and tuition. These students are merely gambling on borrowed money from the US Govt. That 100K piece of parchment is all we have left to show for our years of sacrifice and the jobs we were promised are nowhere to be found. That long term payoff, left long term debt— no money left over for nutritious foods, safe transportation or shelter. I remember hiding in the stacks late at night hoping no one would see me sleeping at my desk. Why question a student so dedicated to her studies that she nods off in her cubicle. There are not many of us, but we exist in small New England towns and the “bad” part of town in cities like Cambridge, Boston, New York or West Philadelphia. Dedicated young scholars who see this trade-off for a white collar and house in the suburbs. It did not such bad idea back then—I was happy to trade in my metaphorical daily fish in exchange for a lifetime supply of independence and self-reliance. A few years of hard work and rough living would surely payoff in the long run…. I duped myself into believing that education would be its own reward. What a crock that turned out to be!

At the time, I told myself, I would rather be broke for a few years than ignorant for a lifetime! I didn’t expect the financial burden would prevent me from building a career based on my inability to get a job. Financial security is not even an option these days—who knew that I was painting myself into the corner for the next 30 some odd years. I need a “c-l-o-s-u-r-e” on a good situation gone bad—even if I had my own magic tinkerbell, I would not even know what to wish for. I would ask her to show me the way out. Directions, blueprints, a how-to guide to restoring personal … to restoring the self. Intact. .

We all have our own, unique personal history and experience, demons, skeletons, and subjective reality. When someone comes to you for advice, don’t assume or pretend “understand” the problem. A friend never needs to say, “is there anything I can do?” Of course there is, figure out what you can offer needs to be done ask “what” you can do when “want to help but can’t.” Think of something you can do for a person in need, and see that it gets done. Even an anonymous donation might help—“altruism” at its best! It will make everyone involved feel more connected to our fragmented society.

Let me know when you start thinking about the future— you may need someone to whip your ass into shape long before you announce your candidacy. I’d be happy to make you’re acquaintance and some more unsolicited advice if you are so inclined.

You took it well, my friend!


Elyssa Durant

OH YEAH, p.s.: never forget to check your grammar and spelling! TWICE! Knowing geography (e.g., it is spelled: Sydney, Australia) seems a relevant skill for an aspiring politician—learn it well!


Author: Chilleh Penguin

A frisky penguin.

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